Being Needed

Sigh. Two weeks of my holidays are over. But do I feel rested? Unfortunately the answer is a huge resounding NO.


These hols have been kinda...unexpected, to say the least. And I shall not elaborate. But the reason for my constant fatigue and mounting frustration is the enormous pressure I'm feeling from almost everyone who's supposed to be...not doing so la, basically.


I know ever since the fire my mom's been depressed. And I expected having to come home to an unfamiliar house and having to constantly tread carefully around her and try my best to cheer her up etc. But God, give me a break. How much can a person do? I'm not exactly Mother Teresa, I've got my limits too. Neverending patience has never been a quality of mine. Not only does she wander around the house like a ghost, she hardly ever smiles or laughs and doesn't even eat. She loses her temper at the slightest things. She's like a dark cloud snuffing out the sunshine the rest of us are trying to give her. Before anyone says anything, I don't hold it against her nor am I saying I give up. The issue here is the fact that everyone, especially my dad, seem to think I hold this sort of miracle cure to my mom's moods. If only I'd come back in time for dinner, or spend more time with them, or not go out so much, or talk to her more, yada yada yada...


Then there's...other things. So many other people who somehow are all depending on me in some way. To cheer them up, to listen, to advise, to...whatever. The result is me trying desperately to juggle everything and spending enormous amounts of time taking care of other people. The only rest I get is when we go out for yumchas (thanks guys), where all my friends want from me is my company. Unfortunately this involves late nights. I'm tired, sleep deprived and still feeling so damn pressured every other time.


I don't wish to complain about it, the point of this post is not to whine. I'm not the kind of person who wallows in my own problems and wonders why the world can't cut me a bit of slack. If people need me, then I'm all too willing to be there for them. I just wish that their happiness, their sense of wellbeing, wouldn't depend so much on me. And the things that I say and do. It's just not right when I have to be responsible for the feelings of others. For one thing, it shows a certain corresponding irresponsibility on their part, and an inability to be self-sufficient, which can never be a good thing in any case. They think I'm WonderWoman ah? Can fly around rescuing everyone and still have time to maintain those pecs and gravity defying hairstyle also? Hehee...


I want time to sleep. Time to just relax in their company. I don't want to constantly jaga perasaan. I don't want to keep on cajoling and coaxing.


*Disclaimer - If anyone thinks this post is about them (you all read this blog? Craaaaap. :P), feel free to think so but please don't ask. Leave a comment or something. This blog is my space.