I-Cannot-Make-It

I KEEP forgetting to say this. Congrats Eggy :D I really am sosososo happy for you!! Hope she takes care of you the way you deserve to be, and by the same token, don't brainwash/corrupt innocent young girls :P


There are times when you just start losing faith in yourself. But you have to put on a front for people, simply because you are their leader. When leaders falter, the whole instituition falters, and then we are tersesat. Kind of like how I am most of the time.


I used to think it wasn't that hard to make decisions. Granted, I can't decide for nuts if you ask me what I want to eat for dinner. But in terms of practical decisions, decisions involving people and values and life...that, I can do (after a certain amount of opinion and self-deliberation). That was when the things I did affected only myself and a few other people, max. Now, faced with my first major decision, which will influence the direction of a whole committee, the future of a whole club...I begin to lose my confidence. Who am I? What am I doing here? All these people think they can trust me, think I'll lead them down the right path, but inside, I don't know what to do either.


There are so many things to be done, so many people to talk to and impress and convince. But really. How am I supposed to do it? For one thing, I'm not the most eloquent of speakers. Ask me to mediate an argument, lead a meeting or counsel someone. I can do that. But impress business people who couldn't care less about me in the first place?? People who think they're better than me? I don't dress particularly impressively, it's to my detriment that I like pink.
I don't know how to deal with people professionally, I'm only serious when I'm angry/alone.


How am I supposed to remember everything that's supposed to be done? There are so many odds and ends here and there. I forget to hand in my own assignments! And here people are entrusting me with the responsibility of running an entire club?! Of liaising, getting this and that printed, buying stuff, making banners, planning an entire year of activities? I am incapable of organizing my life the way a job like this demands I do, I've tried it. I even put reminders on my phone, which I just read and forget about 5 minutes later. CMI man I tell you.


Oh and while I'm at this. Long distance relationships suck sometimes.


I'm beginning to hate all the commitments I have. Because of them, I only have two months back in KL. Because of them, I think my holidays won't be as much a holiday as it's supposed to be. Because I have to find a new house next year. Because I have to organize Orientation. Because I have go go back to KL and coordinate a whole committee to plan what we want to sell for Night Market next year. Because I have to work because I don't want to spend my parent's money. Because next year, I'll officially be the President of a club I don't feel qualified to lead. Because the possibility of big, fat failure is always at the back of my mind. Because...I'm just me. I'm no Ghandi. I'm no Steve Jobs. I'm not even Badawi. I'm irresponsible, airhead Mel.


Ok, whole crap load of ranting. Apologies...lack of self-esteem can be a horrible thing. Which is why I think...unprecedented meanness or being judgemental in a person is just disgusting. It contributes to a person's feelings of self-worth, because they can feel it when you're judging them. They know exactly what kind of impression you have of them the minute you realize it yourself. They start to panic, wondering if their clothes and hair are in place, if their shoes aren't branded enough to be considered "cool", if they just don't look acceptable to you. They walk away from the meeting feeling that bit less worthy, just that little bit less confident in themselves, that little bit more demotivated. All because of the biased views of one person. Who doesn't have the manners to treat everyone politely, who thinks they're better than everyone else and therefore have the right to treat others that way. Bullshit.


I won't say that I've been guilty of doing this sometimes, and I won't say that I have regretted it. It just never crossed my mind that I'd have an effect on anyone. But i suppose what goes around comes around...? Blek >.<


In closing, here's a Dad quote I have never ever agreed with.


"Sometimes in life, you just have to do some things you don't like to do. You'll understand when you get older."


I used to say, No Dad. No one can force me to do things I don't like. I just won't do it. But you were right. I get it now.