There is one thing that all my exes have consistently said about me as a girlfriend. They all say the same thing. That I don't give enough. That they feel they've put more in than I have. It always results in us having to have a "discussion" to "work things out" and "reach a compromise".
Naturally I feel guilty at first. Then I start to think. How can they measure how much they've done in comparison to me? We're totally different people with totally different outlooks on life and different priorities as to what is important and what deserves more sensitivity versus what is not. Maybe what they do is easy for them to do, and not as easy for me. I don't like talking about my feelings or justifying the reasons why I do certain things because I feel they are irrelevant. Feelings can be contained, and I do most things for reasons that are important to me, so what more is there to be discussed? I don't simply make decisions without considering how it will affect everyone involved, and maybe that's why I take so long to make up my mind. But it takes time to choose the best thing to do, doesn't it? At least when I finally decide on something, I believe I've made the best possible choice, and therefore I never regret it.
Trying to measure emotional exchanges and favours never, ever works. In any type of relationship, even those concerning family and friends, there will always be an imbalance. Let's take and example. A friend lends me his car when mine is in the shop. I do the exact same thing and lend him mine when his is being serviced. But when he lent his car to me, he had to commute to work, which was a horrible 20 minute journey on a hot, stuffy bus, which resulted in him being bad-tempered at work because he hates crowds, which results in impatience with the demands of his boss, which results in a disagreement, which results in stress and anger, which results in a fight with his girlfriend when he meets up with her for dinner. When I lent him my car, I got someone else to drive me to work, and that's that. So objectively speaking, we're even. But emotionally speaking, he sacrifices much more than I do.
So which measure do we use in attempting to decide who has done more in a relationship? I suppose in most cases, people judge on emotions, because nobody is rational when dealing with relationship issues. And that's where I always come up short. I've never done enough to satisfy anyone, even though to me, I've tried my best. Is it really my fault that I believe in maintaining a balance between all the important relationships in my life, instead of focusing on just one or two? I'm not trying to push the blame onto anyone else, and I hope, if anyone relevant reads this, that they don't get offended, because I'm just venting and it doesn't mean anything. I'm probably not the most demonstrative person in the world, neither am I the easiest person to change or reason with because of my stubbornness. But no one has ever tried to see where I'm coming from. To look at it from my point of view. To see how hard it is for me to make even the tinest decisions because of everyone I have to think of.
Some people are scared of getting into relationships because they're afraid of getting hurt. I'm scared of getting into one because I know, this is what it will inevitably result in - that I never seem to do enough.
5 pixie potion(s):
The problem is sometimes people like the way we look, and our lives are appeallng to them, but they look and apporach us with the intent of customising us to suit their needs and wants... and when that happens we fair, because what is demanded of us, that extra mile and effort is not who we really are. If someone knows u to be carefree, nonchalant or non expressive.. what makes them think that they can change ya... we can all be different for a season, but fact is we all return to equilibrium. Be... just be.
thanks kombani :)
*hugs*
appreciate the advice. i guess it all depends. even if someone doesn't want to change you, you might actually want to change for them. i guess in the past it's always been that someone else wanted to change me against my will. like i said, you have to prove me wrong first. and that takes some skills :P
its not about keeping tabs on who has done more or not...its not a competition. or it shoouldn't be anwyay. but, it can be a measure of one's worth. everyone wants to feel loved adn important and that they mean somethign. and if you cant verbalise it fine, but if you cant demosntrate it too in actions, how could one tell? if one were satisfied with their worth they wont need to calculate what who had done what. cos it wouldn't matter. cos they already know where they stand.
you know im on your side,mel. but at the same time while youre looking for people to see things from your point of view, take a little walk in the other person's shoes(merci, atticus) and try and do the same as what you are asking of them. relationships are full of sacrifice and compromise but most of all understanding.
i think though, if you really loved someone and cared about them, you should be willing to do anything ( within reason of course - bar murdering whole families and running away with them or somethign drastic like that) for them just to make them happy. or at least say youll try or want to, even if it is beyond your capacity. that's true love. and thats something that we should all strive for.
lotsa love mel. do take care adn ill talk to you soon. i hope this is not a current issue?
love
caryl
xoxo
nah, not really anymore ^^
i'm working on it. you're right in that if i love someone i'd do what i can to make him happy. question is, even if i try my best, is my best enough? so far it's been good :)
love, mel
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