my hands are steady as they click the buttons to progress through the screens. i see "decline" on the pull-down boxes, and i select decline for each and every one of my offers. all i have to do now is send it. but i cant. my mouse hovers over the "send reply" button, wavers, moves back, and leaves again. i find that i cant do it. i think of my life, where i am at this point. how i would feel about going back to that same, familiar place after the holidays, instead of stepping with trepidation and excitement into totally new territory, a fresh place, a new beginning. who would choose to stay with their old possessions when offered others which are gleaming, bright and shiny with that straight-from-the-box smell?? it seems i would...but as i gaze at the screen...god...i havent pressed the button. it seems so final.
the seconds are ticking by. it feels like the world is slowing down, holding its breath, waiting. do it, i tell myself, just do it and get it over with. its not hard. oh, but it is. when i press that button, i will seal my fate. no longer will i have the luxury of having lse as an open option. once i press that button, i'll never be able to come into this page again and give a secret smile of pride. i'll never get to tell anyone i went to lse. my parents will never get to beam with pride and boast of having a daughter whos studying at one of the worlds top universities. but does all that really matter? does having a paper qualification really matter? why do i find myself suddenly so torn when ive been so steady all this time?
all sorts of thoughts are racing through my mind. the session has timed out on me...i need to log in again. go through the whole thing again. and i find myself thinking...what would be so bad about doing actuarial or economics? if i didnt like it im sure i could change courses. after all, its me and the people around me who will really make my experience good or bad...its not all about the course. i think about london, the culture, the people i could meet and the experiences i could have. it looks good. i know in the back of my mind that this is simply a case of last-minute jitters, totally normal and totally unreliable. but i still cant do it.
if i were totally happy in melbourne, i would have no qualms about this. but im not. will i regret rejecting this opportunity? i dont know. i just dont know!
before i have a chance to think anymore, i press send. thats it. its done. done. the word seems flat, monotonous, dull. a large, heavy period, a roadblock on one of the paths in the map of my life. a truncation. i will never be able to return to this.
should i feel something? i feel empty.
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