Solitude is sometimes refreshing. Sitting on your own, sipping a coffee, world-watching, or experiencing the last day's warmth from the dying rays of a setting sun can sometimes refresh you, revitalize you, fill you with hope and energy to face another day. But other time, lonliness creates a silence, a vacuum which sucks you into yourself until you see too much and realize that that you're wasting away bit by bit. I don't know how many people will actually understand this. I don't fully understand it myself. I tell myself that I'm happy with my life, that I don't need to compare all the time. Yet, I can't help but feel that twinge of jealousy when someone mentions their planned outings with friends, or how fun school was. Misery truly does love company, doesn't it. Am I selfish for thinking this?
I have good days sometimes, days when I believe that everything is going to be alright and I can change and be happy from inside out. Inevitably, something happens which changes that. Always. Am I meant to learn something from this, I wonder. Is this going to keep happening until I really do make greater efforts to change? What is wrong with being on my own? I should want people around me to enjoy themselves, to be happy. I would love to be a happier person, to cheer other people up instead of the other way around.
Is it normal for people at some point to hate their lives?
I know I am strong. I know I can get through this. But why, why does this have to hurt so much, everyday? When will it finally be over....
4 pixie potion(s):
mel, i understand COMPLETELY what you're saying - those feelings of contradictinos about being alone. i feel that too sometimes. you know how i've always been a person who's able to be alone? and i still can. i do lots of things on my own, and sometimes i prefer that... but sometimes... like the other day i chose to be alone (i'm too lazy to go into details) and then when the house was all quiet and i was the only one at home for two nights, i wondered why i didn't follow my parents. though that lasted for about an hour and then it was all fine and dandy again. these things just hit you sometimes. i don't know. and i wish zan weren't leaving tomorrow and i wish you were back in malaysia and wei ling and krys too... miss you guys. it's odd when you guys are so far away now - plc's not there to hold us together anymore. :)
i gotta say though that i need solitude less than i needed it before. dun know why. maybe a process of growing up and of change.
and i love that you've been blogging every day of late, short and sweet little notes that make your presence felt, like i'm keeping up with you somehow, rather than you leaving your blog untouched for a week. haha.
love, em.
http://a.holeinmyhead.net
Hey girls,
Em, I think I've said this before, but I've always admired your ability to be alone, because I hate being alone. And yeah, I do think it's part of growing up, and change. I've always thought of you as being self sufficient, in a good way. Think I'm too reliant.
Mel.. come out with me more often, hehe. Not that I've been going out of late. Uni is so.. argh, I can't wait for my degree to be over. It's weird isn't it, we're never satisfied with what we have. I just hope Arts goes okay for me, how is Media Comm going?
But yeah, life is contradictory, and I'm just babbling on the best as I can.
haha...yeah krys i haven't seen you at all since i got back. i dunno, its not as if i'm alone for unbearable amounts of time, but for some reason when I am, the rest of the world seems to be out...sigh. doesnt help that uni's started and i have to wake up for lectures (urgh), grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. em, hope you're having fun over there! :)
hey.i finally checked ur blog, it is refreshing to see new entries regularly, mel! i think i am of a different species altogether. I strive to do everything in order not to be alone, but sometimes, when that effort tires me down, when im sick of shopping and browsing through clothes, when my friends' voices become whiny and repetitive to me(tis hardly happens, dont worry :p )when being on the road is just too long for me, i wish i could just sit back and read a book in my room and laze the day away. And nowadays, i spend too much time with my thoughts i think, so i told myself to cut down on blogging and to start tidying up my room (krys, i think i can almost challenge the picture i saw of ur room!) being nicer to my parents, sending more personal emails, taking up reading as a serious pursuit (hehe, not just nightime rituals) and exercising more! it is nice, being away from all technology sometimes, and spending time with nothing more than one's thoughts and one's friends...that was how it was like in redang...but after all, in the end, we need a balance of both, and MEL, you are able to do it! Maybe u're just missing home for a bit now, but i think the pace would pick up soon! Jog more, experience Melbourne at its chilliest more often, go skiing/snowboarding!, do more stuff with Singaporean Society..hehe, and call WLing more often too! You guys live so close to each other, it's crazy not to!
Post a Comment