It used to be that I could tell her almost anything.
Now I wish I never had.
I see her, and it's like a robotic, perfunctory thing: "Hi" "Hi" and that is the current extent of our conversations. I try to think of things to say, to be my normal self, but the things she used to find funny and build upon, she now dismisses. Sometimes, she half-heartedly tries to make it like it used to be, but I can tell she wants to leave. The closed door doesn't hurt at all because that is what she is like to me now. I will not say I have been perfect, and I will not say that I have tried very hard. I don't know if it is worth trying anymore anyway. I don't want to have to wait until she is cheered up by someone else before she decides to be nice to me. I don't want to wait until she's happy again before she can return to her old self in front of me. It hurts to see how much this relationship has deteriorated, how the void has grown so gradually that I didn't even notice until it was too late and I was too far away on the other side. Doesn't she feel that way too? Maybe she doesn't care anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if she does it on purpose. If she avoids me and is semi-rude to me because she is starting to hate me. I guess it is a possibility. Anger and annoyance can cloud your mind, can make you neglect the big picture implications of your actions. I don't want to pick on little things anymore. But she still does, and she blames me for many things when I believe that she herself bears some responsibility. And so I continue this ridiculous counting, this observation and remembering, so that I can defend myself and prove that I am not doing anything wrong.
I don't know how much longer I can stand this. Part of me screams that I must do something, I must save this relationship. And the other part is tired, so so so tired of everything that it has shrivelled up into a ball of misery, whispering at me to give up. So I walk this tightrope day after day, thinking and wishing and hoping that she'll show me something, a sign, anything, which might encourage me just a little. And day after day, I feel less optimistic, less hopeful, less motivated. I've always been a strong proponent of hope. Hope can lead armies to victory, can inspire nobodies to the dizzying heights of leadership. But now, hope is deserting me.
Ships that pass in the night, huh. I never thought that's what we'd end up being.
9 pixie potion(s):
sounds like u're on the brink.. u HAVE to talk to her.. otherwise it's just gonna make ur life unnecessarily more miserable than it should be.. just go out there and talk to her, that's the only way u're gonna make breakthrough.. even if she really doesn't like u anymore, u can live with the fact that she said that, and even though that's bad, it's better than worrying abt does she or does she not.. anyway God bless.. and hey hope inspires idiots, but that's why it's hope :D - dave
hey.. thanks for commenting on me blog.. hope i was of some help..tell me how it goes, k? anyway, at least there's something NZ is better than Australia at so far.. weather :D - dave
hey hang in there kid. it's upsetting and corrosive, i suppose we all know how the story goes.
eevon : www.livejournal.com/users/prosaicwhore
Hey Mel.. Dont think u ever knew me as a blog-person but someone mentioned ur blog to me not too long ago.. and I decided to look it up since this seems like my only pathetic way of keeping in touch with u without risking silent awkward conversations. Heh.. Anyway, I've been checking ur site for a number of weeks now. Always thought u were a really good writer but it looks like u're better at writing than i thought u were. =p
Anyways, In reply to ur most recent 'masterpiece' (lol) ..dont leave things as they r, not especially when u know where leaving them alone will lead to! U owe it to urself and her to at least do what u can to save the relationship... even if it seems like she doesnt care anymore at the moment. But i agree with ur instincts, dont confront just yet... or else it'll just be a make-it or break-it situation. Take some time away from each other.. Some times some of us just need a little reminder to make us remember/realise how much we care for someone else. Dont despair kay Mel? U're not a failure... Why? Because u know and i know that u'll never let urself be one. =) Take carez of urself! *Hugz*
hey mel - you know what you experience now is why i sometimes wonder why people choose to get married. won't you get on each other's nerves living together in such close spaces? :) but i guess when it's the opposite sex and you love him obsessively it's a different matter. har har.
- emily
http://a.holeinmyhead.net
Hey hang in there kid. It's upsetting and corrosive but I guess we all know how the story goes.
Ee-Von
http://www.livejournal.com/users/prosaicwhore
hey mel,
i have gone through this experieince before (and not just once) and when i look back on these situations that i was in, i reflect on how stupid and vain i was, and how stupid and vain the other person was too..why are we so imperfect in these aspects and yet expect so much from other people when we ourselves cannot rise up to them? i believe, however, in opening the avenues of conversation to resolve anything although there is the critical aspect of timing too..perhaps wait until one of you break down? haha, that was not good advice i just gave, but inevitably that will happen if nothing else is going to happen...and i dont know, the longer time goes by, the more time resentment and hurt has to grow within our hearts..so dont wait too long, dear! -lyn
If it makes you feel any better, 10 years from now you won't even remember the names of the people that upset you today.
I've only read a few of your posts but from what i've read this is one of my favourite blogs - mainly because you see the big picture in things and you understand the things that are important. I don't think its any good me saying i know what your going through, but i can say that your readers are listening and thats more than enough.
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