Thinking

I had a lecture at 11 and 12. I went for the 11, skipped the 12 because I forgot to print out my lecture notes, picked up the paper and walked the ten minute walk back to my apartment. I have a tutorial at 3.15. So basically between 12 o clock and 3 o clock, I have eaten lunch, watched tv, checked my email and read the paper.

Sitting here by myself, reaidng emails about all the things that my friends are doing and all the new things they're trying, I have to wonder whether it's just me. Is it just me that goes home to eat during lunch time? Is it only me who actually likes watching afternoon tv while reading the paper?

I know I said I'm over this doubting myself thing. I'm not depressed about today or anything. I just want to know whether I'm leading the life of a "normal" teenager, whatever it is that "normal" might be. Because it seems like I'm not. And if that's the case, I want to know whether that makes me different in a bad way.

This year, I've been through so many changes that have forced me to look at myself and the way I live my life and ask: "Is this really enough?" And wherever I've said no, I've had to change, and change is neither something that happens overnight nor is it the case that once you've changed, you don't wake up one day and regret changing. Sometimes, I wonder what really is the point of changing if no one is going to notice. Change takes so long to kick in and actually have an impact on your life that it's way too easy to get demotivated and revert back to what I used to be. Contrary to what many people think, or how they portray it in movies, changing is not like travelling up a hill, battling obstacles and doubt on the ascent but enjoying an easy downhill run upon reaching the summit. It's more like an endless bumpy road. Some days you feel good about yourself, and some days you're just so depressed and tortured that you find comfort in undoing everything you've struggled to achieve. It's hard to understand, and hard to write about, and I'm terrified that people will finish reading this post and totally not get how I feel. I don't want people to think that I'm looking for sympathy or wallowing in self-pity. I guess what I'm trying to acheive with this is essentially, communication. I want to get my feelings out there, I want to discharge and hopefully touch someone along the way.

I guess the whole entire point of this posting is some sort of appeal on my part for support as I struggle along my own bumpy road. I guess I'm totally human, in the sense that I need to know that there are people rooting for me when the days seem particularly hard to get through. I made a decision to be happy with the way my life is, because I don't like going out all the time. I don't like clubbing every week, and I like being at home. I resolved to make more friends and have more gatherings at home. So far, I have made more friends, but I haven't done gatherings yet, probably because everyone's pretty much at acquaintance level. I am going to stick to this. And I hope that I will have the strength to focus on these goals and not get discouraged just because of one lonely day.