I got an email today from a friend who's going through some serious guy problems. As in, they treat her like....heh, well, they don't treat her the way a guy should treat a girl. And reading through Lyn's blog, and her semi-search for her perfect guy, I begin to wonder - John Howard, our chimp-like PM, has a wife. George Bush has a wife. Balding old men with pudgy hands laden with onyx rings have wives. Watching Jerry Springer, you see all varieties of women - obese, skinny with pointy boobs, acne-infested, but all unpleasant - have husbands. All these people, the last people on earth you'd think would be able to find someone (because of their personalities, of course) who loves them enough to share the rest of their lives with them, do. Why, then, do some of the nicest people I know not have partners? Even though some of them want them?
I was talking to a friend today about how I don't think most guys, even now at uni age, are mature enough to be in a relationship. After some half-hearted defense, he asked me, "Why are you in such a hurry?"
Am I in a hurry? Are we in a hurry?
I don't know. But I can say that personally, there isn't a feeling that quite matches the one you get when you know you belong to someone who wants you. Someone who you can always turn to, who'll hug you and tell you that everything will be alright. Who, despite all manner of annoying habits, you still can't bear to leave even for a day. My friend called it infatuation. I told him he hasn't found the right person. Which brought up another question - our definition of love. The media likes to say that love is universal - something that everyone knows, wants and needs. But love exactly? What is it? You could take the passage from the Bible which goes, "Love is kind, love is forgiving, bla bla bla" But consult any advice column, from the trashiest magazine to the most reputable newspaper, and you'll get advice columnists telling women to put their foot down and stop sacrificing their needs for their men, and to sometimes be selfish, and not too nice. So it seems that the Bible's definition doesn't really hold in the 21st century.
And what about moving in with someone? I know so many people who live with their significant others, and at uni age. But my friend is staunchly against it. "Not at this age," he says, because he "needs his space". Hmmmm. I don't know. Again, maybe he just hasn't met someone he misses when seperated even for a minute. But at some stage in the relationship, I definitely think that living together is a natural progression. After all, anyone who has a housemate knows that being together is not the same as living together. With time, little habits, tiny things that didn't seem big before, start to grate on your nerves and probably could end up affecting the relationship. The divorce rate is probably so high these days because people don't bother living de facto before rushing into marriage.
Relationships in general are hard to maintain, I guess. Even friendships take a lot of effort, even when you don't feel like it sometimes. But where would we be without the people in our lives? In the end, it's all worth it.
7 pixie potion(s):
good blog.. but don't agree with some points.. u say that "Love is kind, love is patient, love doesn't envy, love isn't selfish" is dead today.. well, i hate to say this but i don't think u understand what love is.. being selfish and satisfying ur needs, without caring abt others' feelings isn't love in any time.. that's sadly called lust and sadly most ppl today misinterprete lust as love..that's why so many marriages break up.. couples don't really love each other, don't really trust each other - that's where the envy comes from.. anyway, sorry for sounding so harsh, but just wanted to make that clear.. anyway don't rush into a relationship.. doesn't mean that guy and gal in the corner are kissing means u should be too.. i know that, even though it's hard for a guy.. - dave
well, david, no offense taken, but i guess you don't really get what i mean. In today's world, relationships aren't as easy as being considerate and always caring about each other's feelings. There is such as thing as caring too much about someone else and not yourself. There are men who abuse women, their feelings and their bodies, and most commonly, men who just aren't willing, or don't know how to, love their girlfriends. And it goes both ways, too, women are the bad guys sometimes. That's why relationships are never smooth. And sometimes, you have to be selfish (ie - think of your own needs and not someone else's) in order to make sure the relationship lasts. What about a man who loves a woman but doesn't realize that he's neglecting her too much by going out with his friends whenever he's invited? Surely you wouldn't tell the woman not to speak up because of consideration for his social life...would you? If that's the case, you're not ready for a relationship. Not intending to be harsh, but don't jump all over this post just cause it criticizes something from the bible. If you think about it, there are millions of instances you can think of in which a person just cannot be kind, patient, envy-less all the time.
abt that guy and his social life.. i guess it really depends on how much time he's spending with his loved one.. if he spends so much time with her, it's only fair he goes out with his friends occassionally.. but if she has a huge problem with that - and not talking abt missing him whjile he's away, more like don't let him see his friends - she doesn't really trust him.. it's partly a love-envy issue.. on the other hand, if he's spending too much time with them, of coz she should speak up, coz he's not being responsible with his relationship.. i guess being in a relationship, u really find the true meaning of love, u start to realise the person u love isn't an object but another person like u, and u start to respect that.. but it's one heck of a mine-field b4 u realise that.. and even when u do, there comes the reassurance.. i guess true love will only come when u find the person u can agree with and who agrees with u.. ur compliment.. watever u do, don't ever fall in love with a Health Sci gal who is really ambitious, and trying to get into med.. - dave
Hey. Good post. I also have to take a bit of an issue with it, but it raised some good points (not the same David, btw).
First off, the Bible quote you made from 1st Corinthians - I think it would be a mistake to look at that as an exclusive definition of love. It absolutley gives us some of the primary aspects of love, but I don't believe its the Bible's core definition of love. Think about it like the Sun. You can say that the sun is warm, the sun is bright, the sun gives off radiation, provides gravitational pull, etc, etc, etc...but you're not defining it, necessarily. So yes, love is patient, and kind, and keeps no record of wrongs, etc...but to define it you have to back up a bit.
"Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his brother." If you're going to look for a definition of love in the Bible, it is the life and death of Christ. That's love. Someone giving everything for you, even his life, always and forever.
If people could attain this, well...no divorce rate. I think that's the reason it is so high - people living for themselves, and not for the other person.
You raise valid points about girls (and guys) who are walked all over by manipulative and selfish people. By no means do I condone that behavior, but trying to convince the doormats to grow spines isn't going to do the trick (trashy mags have been trying for years, and yet we still see relationship meltdown on a massive level). Relationships that thrive are those where 2 people don't live for themselves, but for the other person, and for the Example that lived and died for them.
I wrote a bit on singleness myself not to long ago, found here.
Cheers.
in reply to the prev comment, i don't think that in a relationship one should live for the other person, no matter how much you lvoe them. sure you compromise a little, but i think you should live for yourself more. it's important not to give up yourself to another. that's my two cents.
- emily
a.holeinmyhead.net
i know we've gone over this subject like a rake.. but read my blog abt living for others.. - dave
i havent read you post, dave, but just picking up where everyone else left off, I shall impart my own thoughts. Em, it may be true that one SHOULDN'T give up everything for their loved one. I agree, compromise is an integral part of a successful relationship. But I think true love is when you feel that you could, or you would give everythign for that person if you knew you had to. Without the compromise thoguh, sure, you may have love, but not a relationship. Not one worth having anyway. There is a difference between loving someone unselfishly, and being a doormat. I guess it depends on if you're lucky enough to find someone who knows your worth.
"The divorce rate is probably so high these days because people don't bother living de facto before rushing into marriage. "
I beg to differ. There has been an increase in de facto relatinoships. In fact, marriage rates have FALLEN because of it, and well baby rates too. in my opinion, divorce rates are so high because it's so easy now. get married, doesnt work out, divorce. Relationships take work and effort like you say, in the same way marriage does. And because there's such an easy option once you hit a rough spot, you take it. YOu don't bother about workign throguh it. Plus we have the Hollywood celebrities who are such great role models for our society.
I don't think you can relly talk about love. Or describe it in words. It's truly an indescribable feeling. Each time you love, you become more vulnerable, and the deeper you are in love. Each time you love, you learn more about it. thats my two cents worth for now. i'm dead tired so im going to konk out on the bed.
love
caryl
xoxo
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